I Can’t Fix It

Today was a bad day.
I knew it was going to be bad.
I tried to avoid it.
I tried to fix the day,
to take it easy,
to make it a good day.
But it doesn’t matter.
No matter what I try to do,
I can’t fix it.

No matter how many new toys I buy the kids,
no matter how many fun places we visit,
no matter how many sports the kids are enrolled in,
no matter how many other distractions I come up with,
nothing will replace the big hole that Daddy’s absence has created in their little hearts.

Daddy is gone for the year, and the younger children don’t understand when he is coming home.
They don’t understand why he can’t stay with us after he comes home for R&R.
They don’t understand how long three months, seven moths, or twelve months is.

I keep trying to fix it.
I keep us busy.
I cuddle them more.
I play catch with them.
I buy them Daddy dolls,
make Daddy collages,
and give them “Daddy kisses”.

I really keep thinking that,
if only I get the formula right,
our new lives will be normal again.
But it doesn’t matter what I do.
I’m not their Daddy.
I can only be their mother.
And nothing about this year is going to be normal.

They will still be angry, violent, and mad,
because something is wrong.
Daddy is gone when he should be home.
I know it, they know it, and you can’t fool them.
You can try to make them forget,
and they might, for a short while,
but give them a moment of solitude,
and they remember their Daddy.

Everything they do reminds them of their Daddy.
Their Daddy that played catch with them;
Their Daddy that taught them how to ride a bike;
Their Daddy that played wii with them;
Their Daddy that watched them play ball;
Their Daddy that lifted them high up into the air and caught them again;
Their Daddy that snuggled with them;
Their Daddy wrestled with them;
Their Daddy read to them;
Their Daddy played with them.

One day, this deployment will be history.
The kids will have their Daddy back,
and I will have again, my best friend, my husband, the love of my life.
It will take a long while for us to adjust to being together again.
Three months will just be the beginning.
After six months, it will get easier.
I know it all too well.

Daddy will be shocked to see their behaviors.
Mommy told him: “I’m sorry. I am doing the best I can.”
But I cannot punish them too much, for calling me names.
I cannot punish them for being angry, and for losing their temper at times.
I cannot punish them for being lazy, and for not wanting to tidy up.
I cannot punish them because I know how they feel.

They aren’t trying to be mean.
They are just trying to cope, like I am.
I feel angry, lazy, tired, sad.
If I had my way,
I’d never cook,
never clean,
never brush my teeth,
and never go to sleep.

Yet, we keep on going on,
day by day.
We get up, get dressed, eat a nice meal, and brush our teeth.
We keep on doing those many little things that keep the day going.
Some days are good.
Some days are bad.
One day, it will all be in the past,
and hopefully we will only remember the good things when we look back.

Comments

  1. says

    Elisa,

    “I feel angry, lazy, tired, sad.
    If I had my way,
    I’d never cook,
    never clean,
    never brush my teeth,
    and never go to sleep.”

    You sound just like I did when I was grieving. And you are grieving.

    But you’re plodding on like I did too. We have to, though we don’t want to. You’re doing so well though it probably doesn’t feel like it. Yes, you’re doing the best you can.

    I wish I could make your day better, drop by and listen.

    I am praying. May God bless you all.

  2. Heather says

    Elisa I know how hard it is. I was the one deployed and away from my 2 year old and 9 month old for a year. R&R was the worst. But it’s so much harder when you’re the one here. There we get busy and everything is different. Here there is only one thing different. Something is missing. You are doing it right. And Andrew is doing it right. And it will take years, but your children will honor you both for it.
    It’s ok to cry my dear. You don’t have to be strong all the time.
    It will all be over soon.

  3. says

    Oh, Elisa, I feel for you. I’m so sorry that you are all suffering like this. I’m keeping you in my prayers, as always. God bless you all.

  4. says

    Cry dear Elisa, for tears are meant to comfort also…tomorrow with your eyes and soul cleansed by them, you will see the grace of God brightening you day again. Peace.

  5. says

    I’m sorry it was a rough day. Prayers for you, the boys, your husband… On a practical note, do you use a countdown calendar of sorts for the boys? My oldest at 7 still has trouble understanding time, but all the kids understand to some degree counting down (chain, stickers on a chart, crossing off days). Plod on Elisa, you’re doing the best you can!

  6. katrina says

    I am sorry for tough days like this and for the position you are in. I wish I had more to offer you but I am thinking and praying for you.

  7. says

    Oh, Elisa, I’m so very sorry you and your children have to make this tough sacrifice. I wan’t to thank you for it, though. From the bottom of my heart I thank you. I have been praying for your husband’s safety daily, but I will add you and your children to my daily prayers as well. My husband used to travel for his job a lot. Sometimes he would be gone for one or two weeks. It was really hard, but I can only imagine how terrible it must be for you and the kids.

    Sending you love, hugs and prayers.

  8. says

    Being a mother is one of the best and hardest parts of life and being a mother without the daily support of a husband and father to your children is doubly hard. I will be praying for you. I have been through some very hard things and in those times my only resource was to go to God for strength and comfort. Even though I know it is easier to say than to experience I found He was always there. I grew spiritually and even emotionally the most during those times. My children are grown and even though we had times like you describe they are all wonderful adults and parents. You sound like an awesome parent. Loving your kids is paramount( a lot of the small day to day things won’t matter in the long run so don’t stress too much). You will only remember the good.

  9. Sarah Greene says

    I read this and cried and cried. I cannot imagine what you are going through! Not having your best friend, your husband, their dad, has to be so tough. My brother is a strong man, but I know this is tough on him too!! You are a good mother, you can only be that to my adorable nephews! We are all here for you, you only need to raise your hand for help! We cannot replace their dad either, but we can help you keep them busy and entertained. We love you and pray for you ALL every day!!!

  10. says

    Oh Elisa, my heart breaks for you! But I know that Father is right there by your side and He will get you through this. You are such a good mommy and your children are so blessed. I can’t imagine how difficult this time is away from your husband- nothing can replace an amazing father and spouse. I will rejoice with you when the time comes for you to all be together again. Praying for you!

  11. says

    I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a hug, Elisa.

    I remember the years my youngest daughter was so sick – wondering if we’d ever get through it. From the time she was 6 months old, I had to wake her up at 3am every single night to do a blood test and give her meds. I was always worried for her. Blood tests several times a day. Dr. visits and hospital emergency rooms. When she was older, school was so difficult. I didn’t think the problems would ever end. But now she is 28, doing well, and has two babies of her own.

    You are such a good mama. Hug them, love them, know in your heart that this difficult time will pass, because it will.

    Big hugs,
    Zuzu

  12. says

    I love your honesty and I am praying for you! ((((BIGHUG))) You are a strong Godly woman- it is ok to have bad days– I have bad days- bad behavior- apathy and I have a good man here daily trying to keep my head up! You are kicking butt! You are a great mom!

    Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

  13. says

    I will pray for you…I can’t imagine. I would totally crumble. YOu can do it. He will come home and say…” these kids are great!”.

  14. says

    I can only imagine Elisa. I would say that prayers is what sustains the Christian heart. I always tell myself: this too shall pass. You seem to be doing a great job with the kids.
    A hug for you!

  15. says

    You’re in my heart and prayers Elisa. Even though our “logical” mind knows that this difficult times will pass our hearts can get overcome with darkness and despair. Sometimes all we can do is ride that wave until it passes. I’m sending you big hugs from up North :)

  16. says

    oh elisa… i’m so sorry for you and your boys. it just isn’t easy. wow. i hope this year goes by fast for you all and that your husband will never be deployed again.

  17. says

    Elisa, I understand how you feel. I will never forget what it felt like to be a parent while Hubby was in a dangerous place. There are no words that can describe that pain and fear. You have all my prayers and know that it will soon be a memory and he will be with you all again. The families of our heroes overseas don’t get the amazing credit they deserve. You are fighting a battle as well and you are ever so much a hero too. If it wasn’t for you and all the love and support you give your husband our whole nation would be at risk. Thank you Elisa for your sacrafice to keep us all safe! God bless you!

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